I've been on the verge of tears all day, I've been crying since last night and can't seem to shake this feeling of dread that has come over me. All my emotions have been pushed to the limit and it's only Monday. Last week I was screamed at by a colluege and it gave me my first white hair. The stress of dealing with that, coupled with having to say goodbye to a very close friend, a family member's constant turmoil and my husbands battle with manic depression must be taking it's toll on my nerves. I felt like I could have an anxiety attack today and I just could not get into the routine of my work. I just don't feel very positive right now. Erik is going in for a psychiatric evaluation tomorrow at the hospital, he's been suicidal lately and I'm very frightened for him. His medication isn't working and his mood swings still come at random, catching me off gaurd and saddening me to no end. I just want to have some balance in our lives, I don't want to have this persistant fear of not knowing what he's going to do or say next. It's costing him his job and it's causing our relationship to strain. It hurts very much right now.
My sister is going through alot of problems too, but I feel unable to be there for her as I might if I weren't dealing with so many of my own issues right now. I feel bad that I've been short with her but I just can't handle the burden of her pain, on top of my own, it's too much to deal with. It feels like I walk alone half the time, that I always stand for everyone else, but no one walks beside me. I'm always ready with a listening ear, but when I open my mouth, where are the ears for me? I'm always everyone's strength, the one they count on to be rational and lead the way, but I'm feeling really lost right now. I've never really had to deal with mental illness before and I'm scared.
My friend Jen's dad killed himself when she was 7 years old, he hung himself in his bedroom. Jen's mom found him, he was a Vietnam vet and they had alot of problems. I could never imagine being a little kid and hearing that your parent killed themselves, would you blame yourself? This is why I need to fix this now. I think I might be pregnant and if I'm not, I really want to get pregnant very soon, but I need to get Erik to wellness before this happens.
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